Stress

Well it has been a very stressful week for me this week. I went to the Dr. and had a whole slew of tests run to find nothing. That is good. The outcome of the tests could have been life changing. But they still didn't find anything so guess what...More tests to come. Not something I look forward to. I don't feel right and I hurt 99% of the time I'm awake and I don't sleep weither it's kid induced or illness I don't know. But all I know is I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Boy I bet that phrase is used more then any other. I don't think I know anyone who hasn't used it once or twice. But I suppose in my case it's true. Not just an expression. I pray for just 1 day where I don't hurt and I can play with my kids and have a genuine smile on my face and when I say Im ok actually mean it. I don't know what is wrong and I hope that the tests that I am taking show something. I feel so bad for my family. I am not at all what I was 6 months ago. I feel myself getting a bad attitude really quick. I snap faster then fast. Nothing has changed from then till now other then my physical condition. My wonderful wife is soooooo caring. I hate doing what I am doing to her. She is the reason I am here. I believe that. I want soo badly to make her happy and do all the things that need to be done. I find myself being lazier by the day. I just don't have the energy for it. Which puts a strain on everything. I want so bad to explain everything that is happening to me but I am affraid to do it. I don't want to sound like a damn baby. I mean really I am 31 years old goin on 32. I shouldn't be whining like this. I should be in my prime. I feel most days that I am close to the end. I just want to give up and say screw it. Hell maybe it's all in my head. LOL No it's not. I am pretty sure about that one. I want to be here for my kids. They along with my wife are really my entire world. I want to be here for them. They need a father. I want to be the hands on father that for the longest time I didn't have. I want to be down on the ground playing and wrestling kind of dad. The one who will go get the Hot Wheels and the Barbies and play some weird daddy made up game so we can all play together. I fear that there is something very wrong and I won't be able to do that. I don't want to think it but I do. It's just a natural instinct. I try to keep myself in a positive mood as much as possible. But as everyone knows you can't stay that way all the time. Putting on a show only lasts so long before you just can't do it anymore. I'm almost there. So I suppose we will leave everything up to the trusty Dr's. hell that's why I am paying them the big $$$$. Well at least the insurance company is. LOL So I have my CT tomorrow and they are hooking me up to some heart monitor. That will be interesting. So stoked about that. But with anyluck they find something that will help them figure out what is wrong. So say a little prayer that I can stay sane for the next couple of weeks. Good times in LSville that's all I'm gonna say. :D